Inspiration

I was reading a page in A Young Woman's Call to Prayer yesterday morning as I did the prayer part of my devotions.

I had already read a chapter in my Bible, and even though I'd prayed beforehand, I just wasn't "feeling" anything - you know that goosebumpy chill that runs through you when God does something absolutely amazing? Well, it wasn't coming fast enough for my American attention span (lol). I almost quit my reading halfway through, but I pushed through it. I was growing discouraged, though - why wasn't God revealing anything to me (never mind the fact that I hadn't spent any serious amount of time with Him in months; I just wanted my "God fix" smh)?

As I was reading Elizabeth George's book, picking up where I left off, I instantly became encouraged. She was referencing different passages in which God's people prayed in different postures (these are all from the book, btdubs):

Falling on their faces (Numbers 16:22)
Standing (I Samuel 1:12-14)
Kneeling with hands spread (I Kings 8:54)
Fasting and laid on the ground (II Samuel 12:16)

I kept reading down the list until my eyes fell on an unfamiliar passage: Ezra 10:1. My eyebrows furrowed furiously. Ezra? Was that a typo? Where is that located? Major or minor prophet? Before or after Psalms? Is that even a legitimate book?! Did the Protestant church fathers add it as part of the canon? All these questions instantly ran through my head. I'm a PK (preacher's/pastor's kid), and we can be somewhat *cough*arrogant*cough* when it comes to Biblical facts, and in my little self-righteous mind, I decided at that moment that Elizabeth George was wrong - there was no Ezra! Unless I was going crazy and somebody cut the book out from my copy of God's Word (yes, Mrs. George is the crazy one whilst I have these perfectly sane thoughts running through my head...). I went to the Table of Contents to double check, and voila! Ezra magically appeared - before Psalms, as it turns out. I stood greatly humbled and corrected.

So, I flipped to the 10th chapter of this seemingly obscure book and found the first verse. Now, I've listened to enough Adventures in Odyssey episodes to know that you're not just supposed to read the verse listed; you read the one right before and the one directly after so that you aren't taking the verse completely out of context. The verse right before 10:1 was a man talking about how righteous the Lord was, and 10:1 itself was about how Ezra prayed (weeping and bowing down before the house of God). It was the verse right after it that caught my attention. It begins:

2 And Shechaniah the son of Jehiel, one of the sons of Elam, spoke up and said to Ezra, "We have trespassed against our God, and have taken pagan wives from the peoples of the land; yet now there is hope in Israel in spite of this. 3 Now therefore, let us make a covenant with our God to put away all these wives and those who have been born to them, according to the advice of my master and of those who tremble at the commandment of our God; and let it be done according to the law. 4 Arise, for this matter is your responsibility. We also are with you. Be of good courage, and do it."
(Ezra 10:2-4, New King James Version)

 It hit me like nothing ever has before. To think that I came to this realization simply by keeping a verse in context in an historical book (Paul was right - all Scripture is useful for teaching)! I nearly wept. The parts I put in bold stood out to me especially. This is how I rewrote that first phrase on the opposite page to apply to me (a technique I learned doing a Beth Moore study):

"I have trespassed against my God, and turned away from Him and His ways; yet now there is hope in spite of all this."

Oh, how my heart and soul ached to see and hear those words. There is hope. There is hope! For ME. After all I had done, said and thought, there was still hope. After dreading fellowship with other believers, dropping out of the children's ministry, going deeper into depression, being lazy, ignoring God, treating my family like crap - there was still hope! Even after doubting my faith - there. was. still. hope. I'm taking it to heart, believing, speaking it over my life, and claiming it.

"...let us make a covenant with our God to put away all these..."
For myself, I took this to mean that I am making a covenant with my God to put those sins, heartaches, lies...everything behind me. I am rededicating my life to Christ.

Arise, for this matter is your responsibility. We also are with you. Be of good courage, and do it."
It is my responsibility to nurture my relationship with Christ! No excuses - it's up to me to spend time with Him, talk with Him, and include Him in my daily decisions and everyday life. The "we are also with you" I interpreted to be the loving family and friends around me. They are there praying, encouraging, rebuking, uplifting, correcting, and guiding me - and cheering me on all the way, even as I must do for them. That last little sentence is like an energy boost. I have to have the guts, and just go out there and DO it already.

God is just amazing. He never fails to fulfill His promises. I asked to see new truths that I hadn't seen before, and He faithfully revealed them to me. It was confirmation that I'm back on the right path. And even if I don't constantly stay on that spiritual high that I so often seek, I will know that God and my brothers and sisters in Christ are there to help me keep on keeping on.

#Realtalk: My Relationship with God (Updated)

Wow. Where do I begin? Last year (2012), I was all gung ho about reading my Bible, praying, going to church, etc. and I wanted to deepen my relationship with God. Things went well until my Nana's health started to fail. The more ill she became, the further I felt from God. After she passed away, I read one last Psalm, and I have hardly opened my Bible since (except for Sundays during church and Thursdays at Bible study). I seem to have lost all motivation to read it. I haven't sincerely prayed in months. I don't feel like going to church most Sundays. Things that used to bother me (cursing, amongst other things) no longer prick my conscience. God feels like a fairy tale that I used to believe in, and to be quite honest, there are some days where I just want to give up and not believe at all. I turned to hair and technology to be my gods instead. For months, I have been addicted to watching YouTube videos until the wee hours of the morning, staying on CurlyNikki and feeling the urge to post and read nearly every thread, and wanting to fit in everywhere that I could possibly go on the Internet. But then I realized something: I'm miserable. My overly-anxious, melancholy personality has magnified a hundredfold and I feel like I can no longer function properly. I have become lazy, lethargic, angry, irritable, bitter, and inconsolably sad. I keep flip flopping in my decisions, unsure of what to take during the spring semester, worrying about my major...all decisions that I normally have less issues with.

Like I've said before, I go inside myself when troubled times come instead of reaching out. I did that with my professors in the fall semester and my grades suffered severely as a result. And to be quite honest, when I was a younger, 15 year old "super Christian," I never imagined that I would do it in my spiritual walk. Oh, all the pride I had (and still have!). I wish that I'd gone to the Lord instead of material things with my hurt and pain. I don't want the storm of my Nana passing to be the thing that did me in as a follower of Christ; the rabbit trail that kept me from finishing the race like my grandmother did. I can't dwell on my rocky spiritual past, but I can definitely do something about the future.

I'm struggling so much with the sin (yes, sin) of unbelief right now. I know that it's not going to be easy to uproot, but I know that with God's strength,I can be cleansed of my unbelief, have my hurts healed, and find compassion, joy and hope once again. It won't all be rainbows and sunshine, and I know that there will be days where I feel like yelling at God and giving up, but I cannot quit. It honestly feels like my heart is hanging in the balance, and I will not let Satan take over my life.

That being said, I'm committing to spending the next 120 days (from today [1 January] to 2 May 2013) in the word for at least 30 minutes per day (excluding prayer). I'm calling it Operation: Back on Track (OBOT). It will be in addition to church services, life groups, Bible study, and any other Bible-related event/activity in which I participate. For direction in this area, I'll be using books/devotionals from Precept Ministries International; from their 40 Minute Bible Studies series. Each focuses on different aspects of godliness and spirituality, and is designed to be completed in 6 weeks. The ones I plan to complete are:

How Do You Walk the Walk You Talk?
How to Make Choices You Won't Regret
What Does the Bible Say About Sex?
Turning Your Heart Toward God

If I finish those earlier than planned, I can also finish a Beth Moore study in which I left the last chapter undone: Breaking Free.

I hope and pray that each one of them will be helpful in my spiritual growth journey.
In addition to getting back into the Word, my prayer life must be reassessed. I have a wonderful book that I was going through last year called A Young Woman's Call to Prayer by Elizabeth George that I will likely restart. The author emphasizes improving one's prayer life by actually putting down the book and praying, which is encouraging. I can devote 15 minutes per day to prayer and getting back into the habit of doing it, etc.

Total, that's 45 minutes per day that I'll be spending with God. My goal is to be able to do it in the mornings, but anytime will work. My only problem when I plan things out like this is that I get too excited, think that I can do everything, get a big head about it, and then fall flat on my face within a few days. So I already have my first prayer request: humility! :-P And diligence, consistency...whatever you want to call it. I have a terrible habit of putting off for tomorrow what I could've/should've/would've done today. It will be the death of me, mentally.

I didn't mean to write so much, but my heart feels lighter right now. This was definitely something that I needed to get off my chest. I'll report weekly on my progress, what I've learned, my thoughts, where I think God is leading me next, my setbacks, frustrations, victories, good news, bad news - everything.

(I know that not everybody who reads this is a Christian or believes in God, but my faith is part of my life, and therefore, part of my blog. If you are offended by it in any way, please feel free to skip over these posts in the future, when you see them :-) )

Ciao, bellas!